Joke thread....

[iankennedy]

Twas emailed to me

[Dave Wilson]

HaHa Kennedy ,
Thai brides not always what it says in the catalogue !
Did you send him back ?

[iankennedy]

Post by Dave Wilson on Thu Jan 21, 2010 2:30 pm
HaHa Kennedy ,
Thai brides not always what it says in the catalogue !
Did you send him back ?

Yeah true that. I managed to get a full refund (after 2 years)

[Yogi]

Post by Dave Wilson on Thu Jan 21, 2010 2:30 pm
HaHa Kennedy ,
Thai brides not always what it says in the catalogue !
Did you send him back ?

Yeah true that. I managed to get a full refund (after 2 years)

It took you 2 years to discover the faulty goods...!!!???
Must have been an awkward moment when you found out you had ordered Ray Finkle.

[Hefner]

Political correctness


I've just come out of the 'chippy' with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your f*cking willpower'

-----------------
Top tip; if your camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex...........Wish me luck I appear in court next Monday.
------------------
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I thought it did '
------------------
A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait ' I said ' don't worry you fat bitch, you'll lose it eventually '

[Hynser]

Classic Hefner, those jokes softened the blow of losing the match!

[Hefner]

Classic Hefner, those jokes softened the blow of losing the match!

arrgghhh.. dont go there jon, gutted......

[Hynser]

Valentines morning, Husband tucked up in bed with the aul doll!

Husband: Right love, what will it be? Coffee or sex?

Missus : To be honest I'm not that bothered, either way it will be instant!

[DaithiG]

What's worse than a dog eating your shoe???


A whale eating your trainer.

[Hefner]

Passion?




She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual

soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only


the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.


As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said


softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming


or this is going to be my lucky day!"


Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then


gave it my all; right there on the kitchen, table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,


her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"


She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

[dermot]

A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says
"Whoa, look at the size of that f*cker!"

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, " Sorry father,
but that's what this fish is called - it's a F*cker fish"

Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes
the fish back to church.

"Look at this huge f*cker" says the priest, spotting the bishop.

"Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop. "No, no -
that's what this fish is called, " says the priest.

"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that f*cker
and we could have it for dinner".

So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother
superior.

"Could you cook this f*cker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.

"My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.

"No, sister that's what the fish is called - a f*cker, " says the
bishop.

Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "wonderful,
I'll cook that f*cker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!"

The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.

"Well, I caught the f*cker!" says the priest.

"And I cleaned the f*cker!" says the bishop.

"And I cooked the f*cker!" says the mother superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back
on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours
himself a whiskey and says

" You know what?, You c*nts are alright."

[Hynser]

Who did Mary Harney get as her wedding photographer?

Google Earth! Ba dum tish!

[Hefner]

Who did Mary Harney get as her wedding photographer?

Google Earth! Ba dum tish!

[Hynser]

Waiter Waiter, there's some Volcanic ash in my soup!

Yes, thats because its a "No Fly Zone"!

Ba dum tish...... sorry, cheesy!

[Hefner]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless Sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin.


She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a woman drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked,

"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"